Empathy--how does it apply to your life?

**Isabellaat50**

Yesterday, as I sat at a meeting discussing our students, who have autism, I was struck by the relevance of "The Host." In the book, Wanderer, Ian and others are changed because they have the ability to empathize--to understand what it feels like to walk a mile (literally) in another person't shoes. In my line of work there is, unfortunately, a tendency among administrators to see parents as "the enemy," and to label some educators as being too "parent-friendly." In our program we pride ourselves on the wonderful relationships we have with our terrific families, which occurs partly because we always remind our staff to imagine what it would be like to live the life of the parent of a child with autism. Empathy is also crucial to working successfully with our children, by understanding what it feels like to have autism.

Empathy is an elusive quality. I have been thinking about how the ability to empathize is important in what we do. How about you? Does this trait play a role in your life? If so, how? Is it possible to teach empathy?
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**Justajerseygal** · Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject:

Empathy is a big part of my life. In fact it hinders a lot of my abilities in life. I can't watch a teary movie without balling my eyes out. I read the Host and balled my eyes out. Some I don't know never know never met dies, I ball my eyes out. I am so in tune to what others feel or are going through that sometimes its hard to function. I literally have to block it all off in order to move on and feel my own emotions. I believe that you can teach empathy to someone who is willing to learn. I think everyone should try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, it's a huge learning experiance.
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**Shimmerskin** · Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:04 pm Post subject:

Ruth, wonderful question. I don't have time to give it full consideration right now but I'd like to at least start.

I believe the ability to feel empathy is something that starts in early childhood if it's nurtured and encouraged. Opportunities to develop also have to exist. I'll come back to that.

You know how there are children born without the ability to sense physical pain? They have to be protected from themselves at all times because if they touch a hot stove, they don't feel it even when their skin is blistering and peeling back. They don't have the natural warning system to take their hand away. When they cut themselves, they only know blood comes out, they can't understand the concept of "hurt." Similarly, others have to be protected from them, as well, because they don't understand why they shouldn't drop bricks on someone's foot. They only know they get in trouble if they do, not why it's a punishable offense. They can see the person crying but there's really no concept of why it makes them cry. They themselves have never felt pain like that, can't relate to it at all. They lack empathy for the experience of physical pain.

In much the same way, youngsters have to experience their own emotional pain before they have a true concept of it and can understand when and why other people's feelings get hurt.

I don't think empathy can develop in a vacuum. I think it comes from experiencing pain in its various forms and being helped to understand that other people feel it, too (except for those poor individuals mentioned above).

When reading The Host for the first time, I had wondered if souls were impervious to pain, and that's why they had little empathy for the beings they were eradicating. Later in the story I saw Wanda's reaction to Doc's dismemberment of souls in the captured humans, and she obviously believed they had felt the slice of the scalpel and the fear of their own destruction, so then I had to wonder once more how they could be so callous towards all the species they'd overtaken. They have such empathy for members of their own species, but do they really think theirs is the only one to have feelings both physical and emotional?

The souls alleviated any guilt they might have felt by convincing themselves they were improving the worlds they colonized. By that rationalization they were able to continue their onslaught...until they encountered humans who just do not go quietly into that "good" night. The rationale began to fall apart. Wanderer was one of the first to realize it, either because she's unique and naturally more sensitive to other species than the other souls, or because her shared memory/experience of emotion, pain, and trauma with Melanie has increased her empathic ability. Or both.
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**Isabellaat50** · Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:52 pm Post subject:

Jaime, I always enjoy reading your thoughts, and look forward eagerly to more of your insights on this topic.

In the field of autism there is a focus on the concept of "theory of mind." It is the ability that most of us have to understand that our perspective--physically and emotionally--is different than that of other people. People with autism lack this quality. We work hard to teach it, with some limited success. The acquisition of this ability in those with autism is hampered by their other innate social deficits. What kind of experiences can we provide to our own, neurotypical children to help them develop empathy?

Is it exposure to another's pain? Is it the guidance we give in explaining that pain?
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"So, Edward, you like mountain lions. Well, have you ever jumped a shark?"

bigfatmamabrat · Newborn Joined: 01 May 2008 Posts: 55

I just finished reading the Host for the second time tonight, and of course I cried, feeling the pain, helplessness, and hopelessness that was felt on both sides. It is truly a book that brings out the empathy in me.
As far as teaching empathy...I think the best teachers are and have always been, observation and experience. If we are empathetic towards others, our children will see it, and with our encouragement will practice it. When wanting to know how to deal with a particular situation, our children will ask us. If we use empathy in our everyday lives, the examples we will use for our children's dilemmas will show that, and will give them a real life principal to practice. If we remind them how we tried to see Aunt Sally's side of things for example, it will help them deal with an argument they may have with someone else. Children live what they learn; no truer statement can be made about influencing them. So walk the walk, & talk the talk, and make sure you do it in front of their eyes. They will practice it in turn. That's what I think anyway.
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**catsforme** · Newborn Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 25 Location: Austin, TX

Isabella, I am the opposite I guess. I have a hard time imagining how someone else would feel. Even when I really try. I could not imagine being Ian, or Wanderer, because I do not have the life experience to attach to those feelings.
I think when you have gone through something similar, it helps to know how another person may feel. But if you have not, like lost a loved one or had a house fire, or even something small like gotten a brand new set of dishes (or whatever) its hard to know or imagine how that feels for that person.
I wish I could empathize more though. Its a good quality.
BTW, where in Temecula do you live? We just bought a house in Redhawk. I am in Austin now but this house closes next Wed. and we close on ours on the friday after that.
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**yogagurl** · Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:50 pm Post subject:

What a great question...

So true. Empathy is a HUGE emotion at play in The Host.
Let me think on it...

**Shimmerskin** · Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject:

**lauralee** · Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:30 pm Post subject:

Shimmerskin, you are so right. When I teach 1984 or Fahrenheit 451, we read about the destruction of literature. I always ask why was it important to have literature in the first place? The discussion always goes back to the human bonds that are created by the empathy for the characters. Without this sense of empathy, there is no humanity. Great literature crosses cultures and times, so that all of humanity can be bonded. I can understand my son's heartbreak over a lost dog because I read Old Yeller and Where the Red Fern Grows, not because I had a dog myself. But I read those books and cried and cried and cried. So when my son cried, I knew how he felt and was able to help him deal with his feelings.

If an alien parasite like Wanda can learn to empathize, then there must be hope for the rest of us.
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Lauralee

**mearley** · Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject:

Shimmerskin, I really like your theory. I've noticed my students who are avid readers do tend to be more in tune with others' feelings. I think part of it is that they've at least read about similar experiences. Another part is that they are less self-centered because they've opened their mind to ideas beyond their own situation. I guess the two go hand in hand. Just another reason to encourage reading at an early age!!!
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**KristinLynn** · Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject:

**Shimmerskin** · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:31 am Post subject:

**KristinLynn** · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:46 pm Post subject:

**Shimmerskin** · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject:

**Shimmerskin** · Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: